“I’ve kept them alive”. This is a phrase I have said over the years in my small talk when people asked how the kids were. A lighthearted statement that did not age well. I naturally say it out of habit sometimes still and retract quickly.

I did all I can to ensure their safety on this earth but quickly realized I am not the keeper of their breath. Tragically, I lost our oldest son at the ripe young age of 23.

In the midst of the tragedy, the Word proved true that he gives peace that surpasses all understanding, that he heals the broken hearted, and that forgiveness is necessary.

We are 100% sure we will see Him again. We are all trying to get to heaven, he just got there first. However, in the meantime- we are here - still navigating this life in a fallen world.

The challenge for me is trusting God. I trust him that he will make things beautiful, that I will be ok, and that we have a future hope… but… I also trusted my kids would be safe. I did not think this would be part of our story. How can I trust you again to keep me from the painful things if you didn’t protect my son??

I don’t have all the answers and we are 5 years without him and these questions still remain. Faith is a choice. Learning to trust is a process. I wake up every day and choose to trust Him anyway…

Death is not the end - just the beginning of a glorious eternity if you know Him… 20 people gave their hearts to the Lord at that funeral… 20 eternities changed. I have to know God will bring beauty from these ashes. So for me, I will trust anyway.